Author Archive

Shopping!

Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

To my profound delight I discovered a long-forgotten £20 note in a pair of trousers yesterday, and so decided to treat myself to Nice New Shiny Things.

Most of you will not have experienced the delight of shopping with me. It is a curious thing. I do not buy things lightly (for myself. I can easily burn through thousands on pointless crap for other people) and generally take a very long time to decide on anything. What generally happens is I will have one thing I *know* I want, and several others I kind of want but non-specifically. Like shoes.

Today’s shopping trip I wanted Before They Are Hanged, and pleasant clothing. Preferably of the footwear variety, with thin soles. This involved a run around the usual Newington charity shops (where I found abolutely nothing, but did bump (literally) into an old collegue who had made vague attempts to ask me out a few months back. It was lovely to see her but no suggestions of further meetings were made).

Then to a cheap shoeshop where I saw light footwear I did like quite a lot, and will probably go back for when I have slightly more money. They were an extravagant £9.99. I wonder if they’ll be any good for running?

Back to Forbidden Planet where I did not buy Dodgem Logic, Hellblazer or Fables. All the stuff I wanted in the book sale – including the much desired Evil for Evil – is now gone. To the Library!!!! I had forgotten the joys of Library. I am not a member though and thus felt bloody uncomfortable being there and left without asking about voluntary things. I had heard there’s an archeology group that meets there, which I want to join. Perhaps another time.

So then to Waterstones where I discovered a new edition of Before They Are Hanged. Excelent! Except that it does not match my copy of The Blade Itself. I have the bigger one with lovely blood-spattered cover all in lower case letters. Damnation!! I decided to check other bookstores to see if the matching volume was available. [yes I am an utter pain in the arse to shop with]. The branch on George St also did not have the right edition but did gave some nice 3 for 2 offers, not including anything I specifically wanted. To the West End!!

Which is where I buy most of my new books. They didn’t have the right one either (double damnation!!!) but the new one on 3 for 2. What 3 to buy?? The easy options would be Evil for Evil and Under Red Skies, but they weren’t on offer. I hunted for a good hour for another two books, eventually (after vast amounts of indecision) going for Vlad by C.C. Humphreys and Twelve by Jasper Kent. Look them up. Yeah, I’m getting back into vamp fiction thank you Charlie Huston.

Then, oh glorious glory, a call from Scottish Hydroelectric about a job harrassing people for money. Huzzah!!! I am all about renewables so do genuinely want this job. I can hardly hear a bloody thing though for all the traffic, and duff the phone interview up a bit. I’m told there’s a follow up interview at 5, if I don’t get a call then I fail.
There follows a round of email to Andrew then a call to ex-wife. I discover I’m soaked and fucking freezing so I head ‘home’ and start reading.

Before They Are Hanged is better than The Blade Itself, and includes some super passages explaining the world history. It all makes a lot more sense, 150 pages in. Glokta remains by far the best character I’ve read in years

Tonight is unusually quiet so I might get some proper sleep

G’night

S

Ps. I did not get the Hydro job

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The Blade Itself

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

This book truly deserves a full, many page review. But I can’t do it justice. Not writing in this room on an iPhone. Buy it. Go to your nearest bookstore and buy The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie. Do it today or tomorrow. Don’t wait. Read it straight away, as quickly as you can. Dedicate a few days.

I have no clue what the plot is (lots if war brewing all over the place, or something). I’m cheerfully assuming the other two books will clear that up (I’m buying the sequel tomorrow even though I can’t afford it) and I don’t care. I love the writing, the characters, the set pieces and I really frickin badly want – need – to know what happens next, Before They Are Hanged.

That is all

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Losing (track/time/space/causality)

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

Days pass. Temporal law, immutable. And so we live until we don’t. That’s the journey. If we are fortunate that is happier than not and more filling than empty. Or something.

I am very bad at spare time. While I do not object to my own company it is [I have found much to my own surprise] much easier with someone else to frustrate or be frustrated by. I am generally a negative person, with great manic bursts whenever I have an excuse to throw energy at someone. Everything I do is at someone, never just for itself or for me. I can’t do that here. For all the men in the building I have to be alone. I have to just be me, for me.

This is beginning to be a good thing. There are things, exercises I know I should do every day. I’ve known them for years but never commited. I am now doing then. I actually kinda like it. It reminds me of the tales of Shaolin Monks stretching for hours a day purely because sitting in contemplation made their muscles atrophie. Thus they became warriors by default, greatly assisted by fleeing Generals who came to beg sanctuary.
Except i’m not a monk or a general. I’m just a guy who watched his life fall apart.

I find now I’m more aware of the frequent conversations I have with myself. Actual full conversations, often with multiple participants. Vocal. I do not care if people can hear and think it strange. I found myself in full flow in the ScotMid in Leith, noticed a group of people I kept coincidentally bumping into, who gave me warm smiles as I quietly ranted away, frowning.

I have almost finished The Blade Itself. Truly the best book I’ve read in years. I am surprised that my favourite character is a crippled torturer. We follow his thoughts through the book (he is one of 3 core characters) and his level of honest intelligence is very refreshing – even if he does have to BS purely for his contemptable superiors. I never learned to do that. Anyway, great book. I hope I can afford the sequel.

S

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GAH [and more things]

Friday, February 12th, 2010

UTTER FUCKING COCK. I just accidentally lost several pages of update. Bastard.
11.2.10
Today is JobCentre day. Up I get for brekkie as usual. I hit the centre a bit early and trawl the crappy touchscreens for anything that looks plausable. The man at the desk looks embarrased at the sheer number of things I’ve applied for that are noted ’stuff I don’t have required’ or ’no reply’. He checks out my selections and pointlessly adds several of his own. We briefly discuss my life, he smiles and says helpful things. I leave.

Armed with my wide variety of employment printouts I get back on the bike and head into town. Or Not. I get to the top of Leith Walk before realizing I have nowhere to go. I’ve been asked to stay away from Bread Street and there isn’t anywhere else. I have no friends I know would welcome me in, I can’t afford buy a coffee and just relax, or to go charity shopping. There are no places to just go and hang out without purpose. So I turn around and head back to the B&B, and from there get applying.

If you’ve never tried it, please know that jobhunting with an iPhone on an iffy 3G connection is unpleasant. The device itself is wonderful, and can to things I would not have dreamed of only 5 years ago. But trying to fill in application forms online is a soul destroying experience. Of the 10+ jobs I have to apply for, two of them provide useable phone numbers [no replies yet], four send me to online forms and the rest require qualifications I don’t have. [I only discover this later]. It’s amazing how many jobs don’t advertise their essential qualififcations. So some 4 hours later I have [I think] applied for some jobs. Assuming the web forms got through. That done I get gather myself to go to Ainsley Park for their Early Bird position.

I ask at the reception desk. A vague looking woman shouts at her supervisor until he pays attention, then declares that it’s online only ‘No it isn’t’ I reply ‘the online link leads to a PDF which is read-only and thus useless without a printer, which I do not have’ ‘Oh’ she says ‘ Do you have the undeclared but essential poolside certificate thingumy that you must have for this job’ ‘No I do not,’ I reply ‘nor did I know I needed it. Shall I simply leave, then, given that I cannot possibly get the job that your advertising department did not disclose essential information for?’. ‘Oh’ she said. I left.

Back to my old flat, where I unboxed my very large tea collection into a plastic bag, along with rather a lot of DVDs. Not all of them, annoyingly. I also did not have space for my coffee or tea pots. I fail at packing.

Then down to Daughters, where I left the DVDs [much to her mothers annoyance]. I then had a walk to Farmfoods with Daughter and ex-wife, which was pleasant enough. When we got back to their flat there was an interesting discussion, in which ex-wife expressed her concern that some people find her cheerfulness disturbing. I agreed that sometimes her overly joyful demeanor is actively oppressive. I simply cannot keep up, and this is the cause of occasional mild psychological trauma. But she is happy, she explains. She has everything she wants in life, and cannot pretend to be miserable when she is not.

Would I not be happy, she asks, if I was married to Wioleta and living in a nice house with our children and a well paid job? Oddly this question depresses me beyond any manner I could have remotely expected, and I leave shortly afterwards, carefully making no further comments.

I get back to B&B and attempt to watch Prophecy, but the video is tiny and I give up [forced letterboxing to about 4"] and read The Blade Itself instead, while posting gubbins to Twitter and FaceBook. I do get some nice messages from Alisdair, Andrew and Fergus, which is cheering. I may actually see some people I know in the near future!! UNfortunately Fergus has not given me contact details so I will not see him tonight. Damn.

S

Posted in Books, Homeless, Jobhunting, Personal | 5 Comments »

Homeless: week 1 retrospective

Thursday, February 11th, 2010

I think I skipped a day somewhere. Today is definitely Thursday. One full week since I moved out of Ferry Gait Place. It seems much longer.

Yesterday I had the Seated Shiatsu class. To explain: a full Shiatsu session is tailored accupressure massage therapy. I look at you, talk with you, I feel your energies and figure out what you need. It’s really really good for getting your energies going where they need to go. It’s also physically pleasant, but that’s not the main point. The session you get is specifically what you need. Noone else will ever receive that exact treatment.

Seated Shiatsu is different. It’s comparitively mechanical, there is no diagnostic phase. I still focus on your energies but I’m not aiming to do anything other than make you feel good. It’s primarily physical, and in basic terms everyone gets the same massage (specific things such as which points get the most attention remain intuitive and based on your needs).

I didn’t manage to get any practice sessions done this week,so I’m 4 behind and badly need to get at least 8 done in the next fortnight. So if you want – or are even willing to try- a free treatment, please let me know. You’d be doing me a huge favour.

I applied for 3 council flats, all Muirhouse highrises, all with less than 20 bids. Since I’m Silver Priority there’s a good chance I’ll get one.

This week has been something of a revelation. There have been no friendly phonecalls or emails at all. I’ve had a couple of ‘good luck’ Twitter replies and FaceBook comments. Two people have expressed regrets at their inability to help. I’m not complaining, I just find it interesting. I’ve physically seen two people I’m not related to (Hannah and Joe), neither since being homeless.

Does that mean anything? I don’t know. Could be I need to be far more active in actually maintaining social relationships. I am mainly seen as an Internet entity rather than a real person. Sending people friendly Twitter and FaceBook comments is nowhere near enough to be a real friend. I’m basicaly not around enough for most people I know to bother much about what I’m doing.

Whether that makes the slightest difference to how I life in the future remains very much to be seen.

One thing I am certain of, though, is that coming back to this room every night where I can have no human contact is a crushingly lonely experience. I do not like it one little bit. My need to have people – real, solid, friendly happy people – has never been clearer.

And that’s exactly what i’ve been avoiding since moving out of St. Margaret’s Road 2 years ago

s

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Fixed?

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Oh arse. Something is wrong with my site. Can’t fix it without proper web access. Shit. Last post was made readable by @LordWoolamaloo

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Homeless [catchup] 5,6

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Busy busy. I’m sleeping though the night now. It’s so much better. I loaded up the netbook with House, films and music, so I can just sink into it and ignore the world around me at night. I go to bed just after midnight and sleep through to about 5am.

I’ve been hanging around the Shiatsu Centre too much. I am doing useful things there, but I’m also getting in the way. That’s not so good. So I’ll need to find other places to go as of tomorrow [Thursday]. I have no idea where. Coming here has kept me going, its nice and warm and friendly, I have work to do and there is food. Nowhere else really offers that – certainly not the B&B.

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I also need to find people to practice on. I didn’t manage to give any treatments this week so I’m 4 behind. Anyone reading this want some free Shiatsu? If so get in touch.

I got an interview yesterday, collecting card details for charity. I didn’t quite feel right there, got a bit heavy talking about Autism. Didn’t get the job, It also paid less than I thought [but £7.50 is still much better than sod all]. I suck at jobhunting.

So, was feeling a bit empty headed yesterday. I managed to break the netbook uninstalling software – pretty much ripped the GUI out, so couldn’t post anything. Got all that fixed yesterday with a new LinuxMint install. Went down to see Daughter afterwards, and totally forgot to take money out, so I couldn’t offer any. I had £3 in change. Then had a very odd half hour with ex-wife. It’s so very clear why we broke up, even though she remains my closest friend.

I’ve been thinking about Hannah a lot lately, the way it went bad and why we broke up. She deserves so much better than me. I let her down horribly, which is shit because she’s one of the best people I’ve ever known. Still, she seems very content to be single, so that’s good.

OOOH, I need to get my EdIndex number so I can apply for flats. There are a couple that have very few bids, so I have a good chance of getting one of them I should do that within the hour.

Frustratingly I still don’t have a key for my room, so I have to hang around for the porter to find the right one and come up to let me in. This meant waiting 15 minutes to get in my room last night, knackered with a big bag full of food.

Still, I had promised myself I’d take some proper time out to figure exactly who I am and what I want to do, I’m failing there as well. I watch films, I read and I sleep. No soul searching there at all. Maybe tomorrow. And tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Uh, this weeks big job was to set up Google stuff [email, docs, calander] for the Centre so info can be easily shared. I’m also supposed to put shelves up, which is a bit scary. I may do that Friday.

These posts are getting views, but no responses. Talk to me. It’s important. I’m probably not as mad as this seems.

S

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Homeless. Day 4

Monday, February 8th, 2010

7.2.10 4:30 am
I’m wired. Sleep is a foreign planet I only get to witness in shiny scifi art books. I feel like utter crap and everything itches. I think my scalp is falling off in 10,000 little chunks. I need a shower so very very badly. I read for a while but my eyes are still burning from too much mandarin oil yesterday. Note: use less oil in the burners.
There’s still some food lurking around on the floor so I munch away. I have a cup as well, so I can have cups of tea rather than dunking a teabag in the kettle and risking death by drinking from the kettle. Life is fun when you have to find disgusting new ways to survive.

(more…)

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Homeless day 3

Monday, February 8th, 2010

6.2.10

There is a loud snorer next door. This, after Eben, is painful. My hearing is particularly acute anyway, but now my evil brain actively hunts for snoring because I’m so used to being kept awake by it. So I was awake at 3:30am, and that was that. Got some decent reading in [The Blade Itself by Joe Abercrombie, which is thoroughly brilliant].

Rain started to thump down, which played a gentle tune on the skylight [no windows on the walls]. Sounds lovely, very relaxing. Until the git in the other room [the not-snoring side] decided to play very loud music at 6:30am. In fairness he’s blatant about it and the music isn’t too bad. Not stuff I know, but not offensively pop. And not fucking ABBA, for which I am profoundly grateful.

(more…)

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Homeless Day 2

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

5.1.2010

Breakfast at 9. Got into my usual cycling gear [heading to the Shiatsu Centre for 10]. Walking into the shared dining area felt awful. Just miserably embarrassing. I also *hate* eating with company. It’s one of the things I never ever do by choice. I don’t have many choices right now. So…

Resisting the urge to sit alone, I took a seat beside a couple of scruffy looking men, one young and one old. The old man attempted to be a comedian, and his efforts were genuinely comedic. I liked him.

(more…)

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